Listening to Children Without Handing Over the Reins
If you’ve ever asked your child what they’d like to do this weekend and heard “stay up all night!” or “ice cream for breakfast!” you’ve already met the big parenting dilemma: when do we follow their lead, and when do we gently take the reins?
It’s a tricky balance. On one hand, we’re told to listen to our children and respect their views (and rightly so). On the other hand, we’re the grown-ups – they rely on us to protect them and help them make good decisions. And sometimes, those responsibilities pull in different directions.
So how do we know when to say “Yes, great idea!” and when to say, “I hear you, but nope”?
Children Have the Right to Be Heard
Let’s start with the basics. Children do have a right to be heard. That doesn’t mean they get the final say on bedtime or dinner, but it does mean their thoughts and feelings matter. They should feel safe speaking up and know that we’re listening when they do.
And listening doesn’t mean nodding while we scroll on our phones, it means stopping, tuning in, and trying to understand where they’re coming from.
But here’s the thing: children’s brains are still developing. They might know how they feel (“I want to play Minecraft all day!”), But they’re still learning to see the bigger picture (“Too much screen time might make me grumpy and tired”). That’s where we come in.
Being Heard Doesn’t Mean Being in Charge
It’s natural to want to give children choices and encourage independence. But giving them a voice doesn’t mean handing over the steering wheel. Just like we wouldn’t expect a child to drive to school or manage the household budget, we can’t expect them to make every decision about things like online safety, bedtime or nutrition. They need our help – loving, respectful and confident guidance – as they learn how to make thoughtful decisions.
You can still give them options and let them be part of the process:
- “Would you like broccoli or peas with your dinner?”
- “We can go to the park or the library. You choose.”
Giving small choices within safe boundaries helps them feel involved and builds decision making skills in a manageable way.
When Protection Matters More Than Preference
Sometimes children will want something that simply isn’t in their best interest. Whether it’s staying up all night watching YouTube or not going to school because they’re “not in the mood,” these are moments where we need to step in. And yes, they might get cross. They might say “You’re not listening!” But actually, you are listening. You’re just not agreeing. And that’s okay.
You can say:
“I get that you really want to keep playing. It’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. But it’s bedtime now and we all need sleep to feel good tomorrow.”
This kind of response shows you hear them, you care, but you’re still standing your ground calmly.
The Screen Time Struggle
Let’s talk about one of the biggest battles in modern family life: screens.
Children often argue they need their devices – to connect with friends, explore interests or relax. And yes, those things are important, but we also know that too much time online can affect sleep, self esteem and mood.
So it’s not about banning everything, but about finding the balance and sticking to it, even when it’s unpopular.
That might mean:
- Keeping phones out of bedrooms at night
- Having tech-free time after school
- Saying no to certain apps or games that aren’t age appropriate
Again, it’s not about control for control’s sake – it’s about care. Your child might not thank you now, but your calm consistency builds trust over time.
Helping Children Learn to Decide
Decision-making is a skill that grows with experience and support. Just like how we help children learn to walk by holding their hands, we help them learn to make good choices by giving them safe chances to try (and sometimes mess up a bit).
Ask them:
- “What do you think will happen if we do that?”
- “What’s another way we could solve this?”
These questions help children slow down, think things through, and learn from the outcome, without putting all the pressure on them.
You’re Still the Grown-Up
In the end, children need to feel heard, but they also need boundaries. Being firm and fair builds emotional safety. It lets them know someone is steering the ship, even when the waters are wobbly.
So next time your child asks for something big, or insists on their way, remember:
- Listening is vital
- Validating feelings is powerful
- But giving in to every request isn’t the same as respect – it’s just exhausting
The sweet spot? Create space for their voice, offer choices when it’s appropriate and draw the line when it really matters. You’re not just saying no – it’s about reassuring them, “I’m here, I’m in charge, and you can count on me.” That quiet confidence is something every child needs to feel.